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REVOLUTIONARY COMMON SENSE LIBRARY
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ASK...
and You Shall Receive
Revolutionary Common Sense by Kathie Snow
www.disabilityisnatural.com
We all need help. In the best case scenario, we’re not afraid to ask for the help we need from family members, neighbors, friends, and even strangers.
Individuals with disabilities may need a little more help throughout their
lives. Many are accustomed to receiving help from people in the human services
industry. And there’s little fear in asking for that type of help since
it’s essentially an entitlement mandated by law.
As more children and adults are included in their communities, there are
increased interactions with ordinary people (not just paid providers).
My hope is that, in the process, individuals with disabilities learn
they can rely on the informal assistance provided by non-professionals
(family members, friends, neighbors, and even strangers). Many, however,
may be hesitant or fearful to ask for assistance, or they may not know
how to ask for what they need. But this can change!
When my son was very young, he depended primarily on me—his mom—just
as most young children do. Because of his disability, he needed more assistance
than other kids. Early on, after absorbing the wisdom of adults with developmental
disabilities, I realized I would not always be around. So it was important
that Benjamin also learn to depend on others, starting at home, of course,
with his dad and sister. The rule in our home became: the person who
was closest to Benjamin should help. So as a young child, big sister Emily learned, among
other things, how to put Benj’s coat on if she was closest when we left
the house.
This rule was transferred to elementary school when I told my son’s teachers, “An
adult should step in and help Benj only if a child can’t do it.” There
was no reason for the teacher or the teacher’s aide to help Benj with
his coat, backpack, and many other things. Kids help each other all the time!
But I realized there’s more to successfully assisting someone than meets
the eye. It’s important that the person who needs assistance knows how to ask for the help he needs—and Benjamin taught me this valuable lesson!
For years, I helped Benj get dressed every morning before school. My
husband, Mark, left for work before the kids were up. One Saturday
morning, Benjamin (at age 8 or 9) decided he wanted Daddy to help him
get dressed on the weekends. Yes—I could live with that! But I didn’t know what in the world
was happening when I heard Benjamin crying and screaming at his father. Rushing
to the bedroom, I discovered my son angrily venting his frustration because
my husband wasn’t following the “dressing routine” Benj and
I usually followed.
When I asked Benj why he just didn’t tell his Daddy how to do it the
way he liked, the tears continued to flow as he replied, “I didn’t
know how!” Point taken. Right then and there, we helped Benj figure out
how to tell someone the best way to help him.
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We’ve continued this practice over the years, with great results! For years, Benj stayed close to me while shopping at “superstores.” As time went by, he started feeling more secure about exploring on his own. I explained how to go up and down the aisles looking for me if he felt he was lost. Imagine my surprise when a voice over the store intercom announced, “Would Kathie Snow please come to register six?” Benj couldn’t find me, but he figured out how to ask for help!
One of our shopping routines was to grab sodas out of the refrigerated case
by the check-out stand to drink on the way home. Emily and Benj routinely
begged for Mountain Dew, but I restricted them to Sprite or a drink with
no caffeine. By this time, Benj was about fourteen and he was confident
in his ability to roam the video department while I filled the cart with
groceries and his sister browsed in clothes. On one trip, I told my kids
to meet me at 5:00 pm by the check-out stands. At the appointed time, Emily
showed up, but there was no sign of Benj. I was prepared to page him, then
he wheeled up, face aglow. “Guess what? I drank a Mountain Dew,” he
proudly announced. Shocked, I asked him if he got it out of the refrigerated
case by himself. He nodded yes. “How did you get it open,” I
continued (Benj can’t unscrew bottle tops). “Well, I found
a really nice lady to open it for me,” he said, with an even bigger
smile.
I looked for the evidence in his wheelchair basket, but found none. “What
did you do with the bottle,” I asked. “Well, I found another nice
lady to throw it away for me,” he announced, beaming, and then added, “Are
you proud of me?” How could I resist? With a smile, I told him I was
very proud of him for finding the help he needed, but reminded him that he
had not paid for the soda before he drank it—that he had essentially
stolen it! At that, his smile temporarily evaporated, and it was restored only
after I told him I would pay for the soda and he could pay me back.
If we hope children and adults with disabilities will be interdependent and
included in typical activities in our communities, they need to be able
to seek help from anyone: a classmate, a coworker, store clerk, neighbor,
or even a stranger in a store. More specifically, they need to know how to
ask for the help they need. And they may need assistance in learning this
important skill.
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It’s common for those who are closest to a person with a disability (family members, service providers, etc.) to “know” what the she needs by a look, a phrase or sound, or even by the circumstances. And sometimes, the person with a disability doesn’t even need to ask for help from those closest—again, we feel we “know” what the person needs, so we just do it. But this may not be helpful in the long run, since the person is not learning how to ask for help.
So one way to help is to stop helping so much! In other words, don’t
automatically “do” for the person; wait and/or encourage him to
ask for help. This will, in the long run, be one of the most important skills
a person will acquire: the ability to speak up for himself!
For specific situations (shopping, in school, at work, etc.), we can talk things
over with the person and suggest ideas, role play, and/or encourage the
person to just do it, knowing that practice makes perfect. I wasn’t
with Benjamin when he asked those two nice ladies to open his soda and
then dispose of the evidence! I have no idea how he asked for the help
he needed, but it worked—and it’s something we never specifically
practiced. I assume the “asking for help” experiences Benj
had at home and in school prepared him for the Sneaking-the-Mountain-Dew
episode!
Many parents and professionals worry, worry, worry about what will happen to
a person with a disability when she’s “in the community.” They
worry how the person will survive, if others will take advantage of her,
and more. In fact, many children and adults with disabilities are prevented from
participating in typical activities in inclusive settings because of these
worries. If, however, the person learns to ask for what she needs and to
speak for herself (using whatever form of communication is most effective),
we need not worry.
The world is full of good people—people just like you and me—who
stand ready to help. When we’re sharing space with nameless strangers,
we may not feel we’re surrounded by potential sources of assistance.
But when we ask for what we need, and when we’re specific, a nameless
stranger can become a friendly acquaintance in the blink of an eye.
And consider how society’s perception of people with disabilities might
change. Many who only see my son wheeling through a store may have
negative, even pitiful, perceptions of him. But I feel sure the two ladies
who helped him that day with his Mountain Dew came away with a positive perspective
of him and, perhaps, of others with disabilities. And his good manners—he’s
great with “please” and “thank you”—surely impressed
them! The same can be true for others.
Ask and you shall receive. And
in many cases, you may receive even more than you asked for!
(Read "When Less is More" for additional strategies on providing assistance to individuals with disabilities to ensure their self-direction and inclusion. Click on the link at the top of this page.)
©2002-06 Kathie Snow, www.disabilityisnatural.com. Permission is granted for non-commercial use of this article: you may print this web page and photocopy it to share with others. Click here to download the PDF handout version of the article. As a courtesy, please tell me (kathie@disabilityisnatural.com) how/when you use it. Do not violate copyright laws: request permission before reprinting or republishing in newsletters, on websites, or in other media. Clip art from Adobe In-Design.
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Our words reflect the way we think, so let's get rid of descriptors like "handicapped, physically disabled, mentally retarded, learning disabled" and other words that focus on the condition instead of the person. People First Language promotes dignity and respect for all!
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